Carpe Diem

TO THE VIRGINS, TO MAKE MUCH OF TIME.
by Robert Herrick (This is one of my favorite poems.)
GATHER ye rosebuds while ye may,
Old time is still a-flying :
And this same flower that smiles to-day
To-morrow will be dying.

The glorious lamp of heaven, the sun,
The higher he's a-getting,
The sooner will his race be run,
And nearer he's to setting.

That age is best which is the first,
When youth and blood are warmer ;
But being spent, the worse, and worst
Times still succeed the former.

Then be not coy, but use your time,
And while ye may go marry :
For having lost but once your prime
You may for ever tarry.

Seize the day.
That's a motto I've had for quite a while. I left to many regrets in my youth for not taking advantage of my opportunities. One must not be afraid to step outside of the box, make something of oneself. It took me a long time to learn to do things because I wanted to, or needed to, regardless of what everyone else thought. For a great many years I was a slave to conformity, I was so worried about fitting in, I shied away from doing anything extraordinary.

This is a problem a great many have. I think the best way to overcome it is just to do it. Start with something small you've always wanted to do, and do it. The something a little bigger, and a little bigger, and a little bigger, until you've overcome that fear of "inconvenience" and truly excel.
One example from my life is that I've always wanted to be a poet, but for a great many years I was afraid to try. Oh sure, I would write poems, but then I would hide them from the world, I was ashamed that they weren't good enough. But now, thanks to a willingness to go out on a limb and and English teacher who was willing to give me a little push, I have a poem, being published this spring.

Overcompensating for Weaknesses in Relationships

Capture
I, like Brother Adams, feel that I'm less, that I'm lacking as a person, unless I can be the best, or rather I overcompensate for my weakness by always trying to excell, to over-achieve.
I can trace these feelings back to elementry school, where I was the kid hat everyone would make fun of at recess as the teacher's pet. Some even got to the point where they would throw rocks when the duty teachers weren't watching. Also, if anyone ever got a higher score than me on a test, they would consider it a personal victory for the rest of the day, announcing repeatedly to the class: "I did better than Matt" And I saw how that changed me. I finally have gotten to the point where not only do I have to be the best, but I have to be perfect, and that is a grave weakness of mine. Sure, it's helped me achieve a great deal in my life. I was Valdictorian, when I went to music festivals I always got the best scores that were reasonably possible. (I even got a perfect once on a vocal solo at the state level.) I was highly succseful in drama, and in miming, almost always winning every competitioin I attended. However, for many years I could never be satified with myself. None of my accomplishments were great enough to appease my own need to win, to be perfect. I was like Ender Wiggin, succesful in everything, but cut off from everyone because I couldn't open up to show my weaknesses. It took tragedy and a very dear friend to help me to start opening up, to start building up my self-esteem, so I could be content with myself. It's still something I have to deal with, but I am getting better. I still kick myself for getting high A's on test that could have been perfect, for making any mistakes at all (like not seeing the of's today), but htnakfully I'm not as bad as I used to be. I stopped worrying about those F's as soon as I went back to my seat.
Changing topics, I thought it was interesting to note that almost every response from all three groups today could be applied in one way or another to the 5 cancers. It's interesting to see how much the world has scripted us to respond in that way in any situation that could be even remotely competitive. We truly do need to "unlearn what [we] have learned" and I can see how it will be a long, difficult battle, but that's what the gospel is for, isn't it?

Yay, posting works again!

Finally I can post again. My account has been kind of glitchy, but it seems that the bugs are out now, so hopefully I can catch up on all of my missed post in the next couple days.

Happy Singles awareness day

Today was yet another day to practice empathic listening. This time, of course, we applied it to relationships. We went from bad first dates to how to make friends with your mother-in-law. Also one key priciple we learned is how to go back to an old conversation, and how in doing so we can apologize for mistakes we have made in the past.
I've already had the opportunity in my life to apply this. It's a bit of a personal story, so I won't go into details, but I was able to contact an old friend I had offended months ago, and apologize, saving the friendship and at least seemiingly removing all hard feelings, I then taught him how I learned this in my communications class, "rewinding" to an old conversation, and he was very excited to use it in his own life to resolve a few different conflicts he was having in a few of his relationships, especially that of his fiance.

The effects of Empathic listening

Well, today we covered two topics, we related that war clip to our primary emotions. Often when we hurt others it is when we are only reacting out of fear. When we gain understanding, that fear often turns to love, and we regret the things we had done out of fear.
We also made great headway into the role play, we really started getting somewhere. Part of which is due to our greater skills in empathic listening, another part, I suspect, however is due to the fact that Brother Adams stated that he wanted to resolve the role play, and has been going a little bit easier on us to accomplish that goal, since we are now doing our best to be empathic listeners.

Emotional aikido

Many have commented that they don't understand why using aikido in communications can be so effective if we can't ever meet our needs in a confrontation. I agreed with them at first, but now I'm starting to see it in a different light. No goog can come from confronting a confrontationalist, as they are confroting you. The only thing that will be accomplished is that both parties will end up on the defensive, and neither will get their objectives met. However, if we use Aikido communicating, eventually the communication assailant will have to stop "attacking" simply because they are either to frustrated or to exhausted to continue. It is at this point when we can finally voice our needs, and get successful two-way communication, simply because in a confrontation both sides see only a win/lose situation. However, once the moment of extreme emotion is passed, a win/win solution can finally be achieved.

This class has started me analyzing everything

The scripture:
John 11:11-14
11 These things said he: and after that he saith unto them, Our friend Lazarus sleepeth; but I go, that I may aawake him out of sleep.
12 Then said his disciples, Lord, if he sleep, he shall ado well.
13 Howbeit Jesus spake of his death: but they thought that he had spoken of taking of rest in sleep.
14 Then said Jesus unto them plainly, Lazarus is dead.
Here is a great example of listening with autobiographical responses. The Apostles evaluated what the Savior was saying, and jumped to conclusions.
Doctrine And covenants 8:2
2 Yea, behold, I will atell you in your mind and in your bheart, by the cHoly Ghost, which shall come upon you and which shall dwell in your heart.
We must be careful not to use autobiographical responses when listening to the spirit.
Insights:
Today we started learning more of the “how” of empathic listening, not just the “how not” First things first, we must put away our agenda, and just listen. As we listen we should rephrase the content of what the person is saying, and also reflect their emotion. If we can’t quite get it at first we can practice a bit by “parroting”
Also we learned, that after understanding, we can be understood. We can tactfully induce others to meet our communications needs.

Application:
Empathic listening can be used almost everyday. Using it we can solve problems between our roommates, our friends and families. I even had an opportunity to use it while trying to help my roommate fix his car over the phone. (Some of the cables to the starter were loose.)
Also, as far as meeting our needs, everyone needs to be understood. Teaching communication skills to others will always benefit us when we truly need to work out our problems.

Teaching:
I talked with my mother (a great advice giver) over the phone about empathic listening, and how to better use it, especially when working with us, her children.

Teen Wolf and Empathic listening

http://www.lifehack.org/articles/lifehack/empathic-listening-is-for-everyones-good.html
Here’s the article I found on empathic listening. It’s interesting to not that the first few steps to gaining empathic listening are figuring out our own selves, so we can filter out what we think, what we want, and better understand the person. It also talks about looking for win/win solutions. How often in our communications to we seek only our own agenda without considering the needs of the other person? So often we can come up with solutions that let both parties win.
I had another insight watching that video clip from Teen Wolf. It reminded me of how the general public tries to solve your problems. When I was a teenager, my father died of a sudden heart attack, and it sickened me how everyone seemed to just want me to feel better about it. No one seemed to reach out and try to understand. Sure I had tons of people telling me “I know what you’re going through. If you ever need to talk I’m here.” So many of them thought they knew the solutions to the problem, before really understanding the problem, just like the coach. Sadly, although everyone wanted me to talk to them, no one wanted to listen, and I withdrew inside myself. It was a very dark time in my life. On the outside I was still all smiles, laughing and joking, but it was hollow, and no one seemed to care because they all just wanted to see me happy. How thankful I am for two people, an old wise English teacher and a very dear friend, who entered my life finally willing to just listen, to just let me open up, and finally I was able to release that column “B” that had been building inside of me for years. That is the power of empathic listening, it saved me years of hurt and emptiness.

The Good in Others

The main thing we talked about in class today is the power of “pointing out the positive.” This is something I’ve had to work on in my own life, in my youth and in high school, I always had very negative friends, and it wore on me, in the end I had a horrible self-esteem, however, as I prepared myself for and left on my mission, I began to see the power in positive reinforcement, especially from a leadership perspective. Getting rid of the “but” also helped. In times my comments changed from: “You’re a great missionary, but you need to get up on time,” to: “You’re a great missionary, and I know you can overcome this and get up on time.” (this is a very general example) The same problem is addressed, however, I began to notice that those I spoke to this way, began to do everything they could to improve. Pointing out people’s positive characteristics seems to allow them to draw better on inward strength, to overcome whatever their shortcomings are, and as we focus more and more on the good, we seem to minimize the bad that we see in others, and build much stronger relationships simply because the little things just don’t bother us anymore.
Now I was at my sister’s house today doing laundry, having a discussion with her on this topic, as with others, but as we were speaking, I realized, this was something that just came naturally to her. I was trying to teach her this principle we learned in communications class, but in the process I learned that she’s done it all along. It was great watching her teach her eldest (He starts kindergarten in the fall) how to read, and not once was it “You didn’t say this right” or “that letter doesn’t make that sound” The whole time I heard “Great job, you just read a new word” or if he didn’t get it “Oh that was so close, try again.” And that’s the point we should reach in our lives, pointing out good things should become something we do naturally, not just something we do for our communications class.

The effects of Biology on communication

Today, I have to admit, I feared for Thomas’s life, for a few moments ;) But that I believe was an autobiographical response. My mother suffers from Clinical depression and OCD, and lets just say that, y her own admission, as Thomas put it “that time of the month” Doesn’t help very much, However I have learned how better to deal with peoples whose emotions aren’t functioning like they should. That is truly when empathic listening comes into play, especially those with depression, because quite frankly, active listening would either bring them to tears, or they’d try to rip your throat out, and no I’m not talking about women with PMS, I include all people with chemical imbalances, who often times have no control over which emotions they manifest, therefore empathic listening is critical, because those who suffer these things do not want to have the emotions they have, and often recognize them as unusual, however that still puts all the more responsibility on us as listeners. The APIE autobiographical responses in situations like these are as dangerous to the relationship as dynamite.
Also I have learned that many times we truly can’t understand why people challenged this way are feeling the way they are, it just doesn’t make sense to those who do not have these disabilities, but the important part is not understanding WHY someone is having these emotions, but more understanding that they DO have them, and that’s, I believe, when we can truly become empathic listeners, the moment when we stop trying to figure out WHY, and try to respond to what IS.

Emotional Bank account

The emotional bank account, one exists with every relationship, Hopefully I carry mainly positives with the relationships that I have. How often do we damage others without thinking about it? Especially in the area of disloyalty to those absent. I once was one of those who often vented behind others backs, however I soon learned that in doing so I lost the respect of all of my friends, I dipped negatively into everyone's accounts, however in more recent years, I have done all I can to drop this habit, and it's interesting to see that now I am much more respected and liked than when I thought I was getting on everyone's good side by always siding to their point of view, attaking everyone else's obvious weaknesses.
I talked to my mother about the emotional bank account over the phone one night, which she was delighted to hear about being an accountant, and was instantly barraged by her many personal experiences in those areas, I guess that's what you get from selective listeners.

Role Play

It's interesting to see how people can become so focused on one objective, they fail to see other options. Just like beating a dead horse. Watching and listening re-enforced some things about problem solving on the mission:
F irst of all, jump straight to the problem, they often can be resolved that way, but if not, shift to something that the person feels more comfortable with, and once you can get them to relax, it often helps communication flow more freely, allow both sides to open up more to Column B, not just column A
It is also interesting to see all the different Possible responses to a problem, get in a fix it, or make the person nice and cozy, or even in a worst case senario, yell and punish so it doesn't happen again.
Personaly I'm a big fan of using a blend of the Humanistic and getting straight to the problem, when something needs to be fixed, fix it don't beat around the bush, but if the person you are talking to doesn't trust you, they'll never open up to the point that you can understand their point of view. That is when problems can truely be solved, when one can see another person's point of view.

Comments on Day 1

It's interesting what you can learn from someone while they can't speak.
As we went through our Birthday and birthplace activities, I noticed that people are almost always exactly who they are, whether they can speak or not.
Ex 1, I noticed one particular student who open entering the classroom was very vocal and sociable, making comments to everybody, and that same person, when not allowed to speak, was the most animated, and flamboyant in attempting to communicate.
Ex 2 I also noticed several people who entered the room shyly, were the ones who let themselves get shifted around others, and became even more withdrawn, when they went silent.
The activity seemed to amplify every one's natural characteristics, one could easily tell who were the "class clowns" the leaders, and even a couple who were like mice in the corner. All seemed to become even more like themselves.
I taught this principle to my roommate, who served with me in the Panama Mission, and we discussed it's universal application, for example, we saw several times the same pattern amongst the new American Missionaries that periodically arrived. We often saw the more outgoing struggle even harder than normal to communicate with the Latins, therefore learning Spanish faster, and being more successful in the long run, even though they made fools of themselves much more often than those who were more withdrawn.
Therefore, we must apply that lesson in our own lives, we must remove our inhibitions and do the best we can, in order to succeed in the fullest, if not, we will be left behind, just like those quite missionaries, who although may not have made near as many mistakes as the outgoing ones, but in the end were stuck far behind for taking no risks.

Me

Name: Matt Zachreson
From: Libby, Montana
Hobbies: Music, Dance, Acting, And all things Science
Major: Physics Minor: Spanish
Someting Unique: I am a Mime.
An accomplishment I am proud of: My time spent as a missionary in Panama.
My Goals: Obtain a PhD of Theoretical Physics, and become a proffesor.

Expectations for class:
To improve my communication skills, and to get to know more
people through that process
Learning Style:
I am a very hands on/visual learner. If a can do it, or see it done, I learn
things almost instantly. I am also learn a great deal from observing others.